Bully
I have wanted to write this post for some time now. But I have held off on doing it, because I know it is a very charged topic, I know this because I used to feel the same way about it. But I see something different now, and I feel compelled to share that. Wether that welcomes disapproval and/or outrage or not.
I have always seen bullying and the cruelty of it, as the most awful thing, I would cry and cry with sadness just to witness it. I have plenty of personal experience with it, as probably EVERY human being on the planet does. In movies, we are moved to LOATHE the “bully” character to the point where we want them to suffer horrible cruelty, or worse, want them dead.
It’s horrific.
I will preface this article by saying straight-up that I am not here to offer another “belief” about this, nor am I here to offer solutions, or claim to know I’ve got this all figured out. I am here to share my honest experience of this topic, what feels true for my heart, what I have seen in my inquiry into it – and that’s all.
I am not writing this to certify “rightness” or “wrongness”. So if you’re looking for that on this topic, this article is not for you. This is an article simply about GETTING REAL with what’s really happening here. It’s about opening our EYES and our hearts, and taking a brutally honest look. It’s about a more COMPLETE awareness, for that is the only thing that truly heals.
I was forced to take a really good look at this recently, and I’m so glad that I was, because it showed me some beautiful truths. If you have an open mind, I’d love to share them with you. Here is what I’ve seen:
1. BULLYING IS AN ACTION, NOT A PERSON.
It is a very sad affair that the label of “bully” has been turned into an identity, an inflicted title, rather than the ACTION that it is. To me, this kind of name-calling is no better than the name calling we are punishing the “bully” for. If someone calls you stupid, again and again, then you will eventually believe you are stupid — that that is just “who you are”. So what do you think happens when we call someone a bully?? Yep. They will live out that role. Bullying is an act of unconsciousness, NOT an identity. This distinction is CRUCIAL.
2. BULLYING IS A CYCLE, OF WHICH WE ALL PLAY A PART.
When we see someone bullying, saying cold and cruel and terrible things, what do we do? We say cold and cruel and terrible things about the person who is “bullying”. Even if not out-loud, in our minds we are making them into the worst kind of monster, an ENEMY, and we de-humanize them completely and we declare WAR on this person or this facet of human experience. We want them to stop the cycle of negative judgement and unkindness, and we can’t even do it ourselves! (-in regards to THEM!) They inflict pain on another, and we inflict pain on them, and where do you think they got the pain they are inflicting?? From someone else who “bullied” them. And round and round and round we go.
We think that the way to solve bullying is to make bullies feel ugly about who they are. Really?? And we think that’s going to work how??? How do YOU react when someone makes you feel ugly about who you are? Are you kinder? I didn’t think so.
3. WE’VE ALL BEEN “BULLIED”, AND WE’VE ALL BEEN A “BULLY”.
You may be tempted to jump in here and say “I’ve always been nothing but kind and loving towards people, I’ve NEVER bullied ANYONE, ever!“ But is that true? Only the truly courageous will take an honest look here. Only the ones that really want to know. And knowing is healing. So… look again, I’m sure you will find all kinds of places where you’ve been the “victim” of bullying, but where have you been the one who was less than kind? Where have you used your WILL to get someone to do what you wanted them to do? Or to try to change someone? Or to make someone else feel bad, because YOU felt bad? Were you doing it because you were a loathsome human being, or because you were simply hurt and confused at the time?? The latter is always true.
If you think those that “bully” and say cruel, and seemingly monstrous things to others, are not coming from a place of hurt and confusion — think again. It is simply NOT POSSIBLE that someone would be unkind and hurtful if they are not receiving some SERIOUS unkindness and hurt either from someone else, or from themselves, in their own mind.
And how often do we “Bully” OURSELVES??!! In our own mind! Again… we want them to stop, and we can’t stop. Not even for our own self.
4. THE CYCLE OF BULLYING BEGINS AND ENDS WITH ME.
If someone comes to me, and they’ve been accused of bullying… I have a choice.
I have a very clear and obvious choice standing in front of me, in the form of a person. I can either choose to BE LOVE, to BE THE CHANGE I want to see in the world — or not. Or I can do more of the same. I can berate them, and mentally beat them, and shame them and “bully” them until they realize the “horribleness” of their actions and join my side, until they see things MY way. This, my friends, is WAR. THIS, is what war looks like.
I will not have more war in my life.
I’ve had plenty. Plenty on the inside, and mostly with MYSELF, but I will not invite more of this cycle.
I have a choice to walk the talk, or continue the cycle. To BE the kindness that I am asking this person to be, or to be the thing that this person has been accused of being, and then ask them to stop it for both of us. Once I saw this, it seemed so crystal clear, so absolutely obvious that it STUNS me that we’ve been going about it in this way for ALL THESE YEARS.
In case we haven’t noticed yet — punishment and SHAME don’t work.
They breed more of the same.
But we are so afraid of letting go of those methods, we are so afraid that unconditional love and kindness doesn’t work, and that’s why things aren’t changing – in this area. They will continue to get worse and worse and worse until we WAKE UP to this absolute blindness. WAKE UP to a better way.
What happens when we greet unkindness with kindness?
What happens when we Love ALL THE WAY?
I don’t know, but I tell you… I’m ALL about
finding out.
Hi : ) First, thanks for your email back about my earlier post. How kind of you! :) I’ll have you know, I just ate a healthy, vegetarian dinner while my family went to Red Lobster to inhale a seafood feast of saturated fat and sodium. LOL! I just said NO, and stayed home! How nice that dinner doesn’t immediately get chased by shame!
You are right – bullying is certainly controversial these days! I believe part of the drama is generational. I’m 43, and grew up in the era of “get tough”, “push back”, and “kids are cruel” – meaning toughen up, pansy, or you’re on your own! As an overweight kid, I was made fun of – and learned to deal with it 2 ways: be funny and be tough. Bully back. Take no shit from anybody! And the more abuse I got, the meaner I became to those who pulled it with me. My dad always said “if they get you once, get them 10 times to prove your point!” lol…he’s clearly the “take no crap” kinda guy. And so I’m sure there are people I grew up with or went to school with who think to this day that I’m a beast. (lucky I live too far for class reunions!!) I know this is where a lot of my anger comes from – being hurt and hurting others deliberately when I KNOW that is not the kind of person I am inherently. These days, it seems that ‘bullies’ bring the hurt with them spread it out – but the kids getting it seem to respond much more strongly – sadness, suicide, guns. Why is this? Sometimes I wonder if it’s because it seems to me – a child of the 70s – that these children were rised with hall monitors, ‘talk it out’ at school, no winners/losers in sports – has this made them think that nothing is ever going to hurt them, or be negative, and so they are unprepared for the bullying? is it the absolute speediness, and longevity, or electronic bullying that gets them? I have no kids, and no answers, just theories. As a non-parent, though, it horrifies me that these children are so tormented that they are hurting themselves and others so seriously. I know I sound OLD, but I often wonder “what has happened in 30 years to make things so radically different?”
Lori Ann recently posted..Check here to Subscribe to notifications for new posts
Thank you Lori :) I’m glad you took care of yourself in a way that felt good to you, for your own self. that’s wonderful!
Thank you for what you’ve shared here in regards to bullying as well. I appreciate hearing your experience, as will a lot of other people I’m sure! I won’t pretend to know ABSOLUTELY why this is happening, but what I sense deep down is that – wether you believe in spiritual things or not – that certain things in humanity get pressurized to a head so that they are harder and harder and harder to ignore and keep doing in our old and not-working ways. It’s like with the eating/self-care thing you’re talking about, eventually things get so bad you can’t ignore it anymore. That’s what I believe is happening collectively. So that we will WAKE up to this out-moded way of dealing with these occurances (fighting-fire-with-fire mentality) and finally come back to our TRUE NATURE, which is love. P.S. you are far-from-old, and thanks again for being here!
Sunni recently posted..Bully
really really thought provoking. you gave me something to really look into. Will get back.
Eli recently posted..Check here to Subscribe to notifications for new posts
Thank you Eli! I will look forward to hearing from you when you’ve had a chance to look into it for yourself. Much love to you! xo
Sunni recently posted..Bully
Love this and completely agree with you. It’s all true.
Alison recently posted..Check here to Subscribe to notifications for new posts
Thank you Alison, and thank you for being here. xo
Thank you for putting out there some things I’ve been contemplating myself for awhile. I work for a youth serving organization, and I intend to share this post with my Co-workers and supervisors. It is especially difficult to send this message to others when you work closely with people that may not have been exposed to this kind of thinking before. Your posted thoughts will enable me to share without it appearing as though I think I know the “right” way.
Laura recently posted..Check here to Subscribe to notifications for new posts
Oh wow, Laura, that is wonderful! I am so touched that this post could be of service in this way – especially to someone in your field. Thank you so much for sharing this with me, and for being brave enough, and yet loving enough, to share this with others. I agree with you that the “gentler” that we introduce these concepts to minds that don’t yet know, the better. Thank you for being here! xo
Thank you, Sunni, for giving us a way to think about bullying that had never occurred to me: “Bullying is an ACTION, not a PERSON.” I experienced low-level bullying at school, but my worst bully has always been my own ego. Stepping back from this and seeing it as just a thought or action, instead of a part of my personality that causes terrible pain and confusion, gives me a whole new perspective. A much lighter one.
Loving my ego has always felt next to impossible. I’ve been working on it for years. But this feels like a good step in the right direction. Blessings to you!
Laurie recently posted..Check here to Subscribe to notifications for new posts
Hey Sunni,
I like where you are coming from here. I’ve just been reading an incredible parenting book, which has come about after 30 years research into the human brain and how our parents and experiences can actually impact on how our brains are shaped and how they develop. It’s been a really interesting read- and it touched on bullying too from a kinda sciency perspective! One thing I found fascinating was, that apparently lots of bullying starts in the home- often a younger sibling may get picked on because the older sibling feels like they’ve been displaced if they aren’t getting enough attention, (because children can’t explain that they are hurting, they show you through their behavior), this then means that the younger one learns to function in a bullying world, and this can then turn the younger one into a bully too. I thought it was fascinating that it can all start with a simple feeling of hurt and pain that is missed, and then that can go on to shape behavior. In the book it talks about how seriously we should take bullying in schools and at home, because scientifically speaking it can have long term effects on the brain and children will need real therapy to overcome it. So I’ve been really enjoying the book as you can tell! I love how it ties in with what you’re saying, at the end of the day we are all people with hidden pain that sometimes even we don’t understand, but love can overcome anything :)
Sophie recently posted..Check here to Subscribe to notifications for new posts
Thank you Sophie! I am so glad you are enjoying the resource that you have found and that it is opening up new insights in you. One “crumb” always leads to another… and another… and another. :) I love that that book, and this post are some of those crumbs for you as you come to understand more deeply – your very own self. That’s what it’s all about, when we understand ourselves, we understand EVERYONE. Because we’re all suffering from the same limiting beliefs and thought patterns. Anyway, Yes – love overcomes ALL, and love is what is left beyond everything else that opposes it. Thank you for being here and for sharing! xo
Thank you Laurie, Yes, my worst bully has always been my own ego as well. And you know what – I think that is the case for EVERY HUMAN SOUL. Just imagine the inner-dialogue of someone who says things that seem “horrific” to another person outside themselves – what must they say to themselves inside?? I don’t know… but what I do know is that we all tell ourselves roughly the same thing, with different variations of language. And that is that we are not enough, that we are inherently bad, and that we must suffer until we finally fit our own image of perfection. And most of the time, we don’t even KNOW WHAT THAT IS! Anyway, thank you for sharing your process with this, I’m so glad that it helps and that it resonates, as that is what this exploration has done for me! Blessings to you for being here and doing this work with yourself for the good of all! xo
Thanks Sunni, its so true, my Mum gave the book to me because it was a parenting book, but it has turned out to be real therapy for myself as well! Love what you share, thank you xxx
sophie recently posted..Check here to Subscribe to notifications for new posts
Thank you, Sunni. I have really come to see that the bully is me. The more kind I am to myself, the fewer bullies my life contains, and those that do appear have much less power over me. I so appreciate your message of love.
Lesley S. King recently posted..Check here to Subscribe to notifications for new posts
Thank you Lesley. I have come to see the same thing. This is what I hoped to illuminate with this article in an “introductory” and more gentle way, so that it can be understood by many rather than by few. I’m sure you know what I mean. Much love to you for your presence here! xo